A break from my Valentine's day series...

So February is not an easy month for me. For people who don't know me, it will be eleven years tomorrow since my dad died. It's been eleven years, but that doesn't mean that the pain or the grieving will ever go away. My dad was my hero. He helped me with my homework even though he wanted to pull out his hair when it came to math and science (not that he had much to pull out because he was already going bald lol), he inspired me to become whatever I wanted to be (even though he pushed for me to be a doctor so i could one day come up for a cure for pulmonary fibrosis) and lastly, we were almost identical (same curly hair, same freckles, same pale sheet like skin and definitely same bad teeth lol) and as i continue to grow i just see more of him in myself. Well these past few days have been hard for me because it was tuesday night when i realized what the date was and guilt instantly filled me since I had almost forgotten. So i sobbed and I honestly have been crying for the pass few days on and off. And I'm not asking for sympathy, that's not why I'm writing this post. It's more just to get it off my chest, and that's what a blog is for right?

I think the reason why it's so hard for me to get over my dad's death is because of all the questions I have. I was only 12 when he died, so he really didn't get to see much of my life. I just wonder what he would've thought of me today, what he would think of my boyfriend, what he would think of my career as a social worker and not a doctor. Silly questions like that and i'll never have the answers - I think that's what hurts me the most. With my upcoming graduation in May (woohoo Master's degree!) i think this february has been a little bit harder for me then it has been in the past. So i've been kind of down and well today after a meeting for my internship, i stopped at a gas station because i was almost on E lol. So i filled up my gas and decided to get a slushie to cheer me up. I got my slushie, and got in line and I almost stopped dead in my track. In front of me was a bucket of roses - at least 5 each of yellow, red, and white and then sitting in the middle of them all was a blue rose. I mean what gas station has blue roses?! I've rarely ever seen them as an actual florist, let alone a gas station.

Blue roses mean a lot to me and have always brought me comfort ever since my dad died. A few weeks after my dad died, i had a dream about a field of blue roses and he was there amongst them and I've always believed that blue roses were his way of saying that he was alright in heaven and I would be alright without him. And just seeing that blue rose today... it provided me with a sense of relief. I knew that he was looking down on me and making sure I was going to be okay. So i bought the rose and it's currently sitting in my room in a vase right now lol. Even though i may be crying as i write this, it's not because I'm hurting, it's because I'm relieved to know that I'll always have an angel watching over me. And who better for that angel to be then my daddy? :)

I wanted to share pictures with you guys of the rose. So here you go! And i hope this wasn't too upsetting to read. I just really had to get it all off of my chest and to show that God works in amazing ways when he knows that we're hurting <3